Several years ago, I wrote a post on FetLife titled "I Dun Wanna!" *sigh*, and my views on the topic have shifted to some degree, partly with my interests actually changing over time, partly with figuring out more about what I enjoyed even back then, and significantly in just seeing and learning more about the scene, the people, and interpersonal dynamics within it.
For those who cannot see FetLife, I'll sum the original post up as my stating that I didn't like brats, why I didn't (effectively disliking "I dun wanna!" without reason aside from feeling like saying it or to get reactions), and that while I didn't care for brats, it's not a dislike of the person but the not wishing to partake in that form of dynamic and others can do what they like. That is an incredibly gross overview, but hopefully that's as much as you'll need to follow along here, since it's so old that I will not be cross-posting it to here.
At an erotic hypnosis conference some time ago now (phew, probably over a year ago now), someone did a class on "bratting as a service" or similar, and they privately mentioned to me that the aforementioned writing was at least part of what inspired their class or some of the class material. In hearing that, I realized I felt a bit off about that... uncomfortable... but I wasn't fully sure why. I started reviewing the writing, and I started to write once more on how I felt on my current perspectives on the topic today. After collecting the various scattered thoughts and putting some logic to the feelings, you get the writing that follows. It took me a long time of off-and-on writing and sudden inspiration (and various bouts of brain going "I don't wanna" of course...), and I still can't promise it feels right. But, you know, (1) when does anything one writes truly feel fully "right," and (2) I felt it worth posting something reviewing my past self to this level. Also, "better" is the enemy of "done," and frankly, I feel this is worthwhile to put out there, both for myself and people who may feel similarly.
GASP! Not communicating at all means that there is nothing to base dynamic-based playfulness off of? Whoa...
Now, it might be somewhat debatable, but I'd say it's the vocal minority that ruins bratting for the majority, that leads to people hating on brats. I'd say that the little shits that are brats to everyone and go "hee hee hee, whatcha gonna do about it? I'm a brat!" to strangers or near-strangers are the minority, but are often recognized most strongly as "brats" because they loudly self-identify as such. So part of the reasoning behind that original writing was a bit poorly aimed at a vocal minority. (#notallbrats? #labelssuck)
That's not the full story, however.
Personally, I generally really don't like kids. Don't get me wrong, some are awesome and make me feel like humanity won't die out in one generation, that whole "Damn that kid's fucking smart, look out for them in 10-20 years!" But anyway, yea, often, those who combine "little" and "brat" tend to take on the very worst aspects, from my perspective, of children, and therefore end up personifying everything I dislike about kids, even emphasizing those qualities, and almost seem to actively avoid taking on anything that's good about them. Soooo it shouldn't be surprising that I dislike that classification of "brat." But, once again, this is not all brats. Many who are "brats" or "bratty" are not trying to be childlike at all, but more smartass, sassy, etc., and I can enjoy interactions with a smartass.
Hell, my main partnerships? Smartasses all around.
And most of the girls I happily flirt with and want to flock toward? Smartasses left and right.
That said, the same people that I appreciate also can turn down the smartass when I'm in zero mood (and I think we all get to that "I'm in no mood" point once in a while). They don't nonsensically decide to double down when I exhaustingly say "I've been having a shit day" or directly give them the look and a very direct "Not. Now." response.
And yet, there's still more!
Whether or not it's obvious, I got my own social anxiety I work through (self-diagnosed, so forgive any incorrect terminology). In groups, this plays out a couple of different ways. (1) I feel it when I don't have something to do or someone to actively be with, I flutter from social group to social group, looking for some shred of conversation I can connect with for a bit, not really feeling I fit unless a group actively opens up or directly includes me in conversation (surprisingly uncommon that people think to do this for anyone without strong connection to their group, I've found, unless that person pushes themselves in or clicks perfectly). (2) I feel it when talking with someone and, with seemingly no reason, will suddenly just feel like I don't know what I can say that won't get taken the wrong way, or like I'll say something stupid or offensive, or like I'll be seeming pushy in ways I don't intend, etc. (3) I strongly feel it with small talk, my mind goes blank of ideas of things to chat about for various reasons, from "what's the point of talking about that?" to "Well that feels bland, they'll see me as bland," to "Poking holes at a wall to find a snippet of maybe something to really talk about isn't enjoyable," I strongly dislike small talk because it feels like a pretense, and I'm not a fan of pretenses.
So, per the commentary above, if I don't have something very particular to speak about, and we don't have amazing chemistry near-instantly (it happens), and I'm not in the very, very rare mood that chatter feels natural, then I have a hard time keeping up conversation entirely on my own until one or more of those boxes are checked. Anyone that will literally take an ongoing conversation and just shut it down instantly in their attempt to selfishly "have fun" will really, really put me off, whether it's because they're being bratty, a smartass, or other various reasons.
What "shuts down conversation" for me may not do so for others, and I recognize that, so I'll go over some of them here so people know what I'm talking about.
Remember my mentioning earlier that I actively avoid forcing a dynamic that hasn't been negotiated or organically grown? This includes trying to incite some form of "punishment" from me when we've (1) never played before, (2) we've never even talked about playing before, and (3) you break into attempts to mess with me when I don't personally know how to safely respond.
Remember the anxiety stuff I mentioned? Guess what comes into full swing when it comes to wondering what the right way to respond with a sudden circumstance that has no prior communication about it and no implication at all of what is and isn't okay? So that type of behavior triggers anxiety in me and leaves me feeling really off of what I'm okay with. It also leaves me feeling like I failed at something, which is never a fun experience for anyone. Double-whammy of anxiety.
And nevermind saying/asking anything that's not "in character" with the role that directly counters the brat without "ruining their fun"... you know, such as a disciplinarian, which soooo ain't my thing, as anyone that has gotten to know me would know. I reward good behavior, or I let you know my disappointment and how you won't get those good things now, much more in my wheelhouse... so yea, someone I don't know that way... ummm... how am I supposed to respond that is anything aside from "too baaaad"? Oh right, by forcing both a dynamic, like in my earlier commentary, and forcing a role on me that I don't want. Greeeaaaat... yea no.
In my head, I now have to stop what was a fun, fluid conversation, which depending on the situation might have been rare and wonderful for me, and now, in the best of cases, go "Ok, real-talk time, wtf can I or can't I do?" (which can still be fun, but may be off-putting, and takes a bit of strength for me to get past feeling like I just failed a thing), and in the worst of cases, just go speechless because we went from a rare situation where convo was natural and fluid for me to one where I have to start thinking far more intentionally or strategically about what I am doing in that moment and freeze because I wasn't in the right head space for that.
So, my commentary in my older writing I linked early on... a lot of this is what was really behind it. One can likely see why I linked these kind of behaviors to "brats," but I've learned, time and time again, I like brats, I just don't like selfish little shits that don't take my feelings into account with their attempts to have fun. And having been there multiple times, a couple of those times in a row right before that older writing, each by one of those more vocal minority of the brat genre, I was previously unable to properly discuss where my frustrations were.
Thank you for reading, and check back next time for a more upbeat direction of writing!
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