A Discussion on Personal Responsibility in the Kink Scene, Negotiation, and Play

(X-posting with FetLife profile...)

Okay, I was writing up some stuff as a comment to a writing on FetLife... and I realized that I kinda went off on a tangent for a long damn time... so instead of posting it as a comment that could derail extensively, here's my own writing.  I'm intentionally not linking this to other writings/blogs, because it should be able to speak for itself.  This is also not specific to hypnokink, but is to kink in general (I seem to be on a roll with that lately)...

Trigger warning regarding "personal responsibility."  I do not intend to "victim blame" or the like here, though I can not promise wording won't feel that way at some points.  I request that, if something feels like it's "victim blaming" here, that you read all the way through before making such a judgment.  (Spoilers: a writing with a title mentioning "Personal Responsibility" talks about personal responsibility)

Everyone involved in a scene is a human being first, and my intention is to speak to the human factor, the human aspect, not the fantasy, but the reality.

On Dominance and Pushing Boundaries

So this will be about D/s and BDSM in general.  This will not be specific to hypnosis play in any way, but like any tool or toy, hypnosis can be used in various ways, including in for D/s play, partnerships, and relationships, so it absolutely can apply.

So, fairly recently, there were some consent injuries happened to a submissive of a Dom/sub pair, and things got brought to public online arena through writings and comments (at first anonymously, but he, the Dom, admitted it was he the talk was about and things got, well, obviously less-anonymous).  Things didn't exactly get talked about well, let's say.  I'm not going to get into details of the situation, at all, nor am I going to get into the nuances involved... except for one, because it was a particular nuance that bothered the crap outta me.

You see, he had brought up early on that the main job/role of a Dominant (from his perspective) is to "push boundaries."  Now, ask people what a Dominant is/does, you'll get a million different answers, and then they'll all argue about the semantics of what everyone else said being wrong (especially when it comes to the role the submissive has in the Dominant's power/control >.>).  Generally, I'm accepting of all different meanings of what a Dominant is... but this one, this one bothered me, especially given the circumstances.

Events, Social Circles, and Inclusivity

No matter what you do, try to do, or try to avoid: every large enough community you will ever be a part of, whether you lead it, make it, or simply be in it without a strong role, will have subdivisions, a big enough social circle will have small social circles within it.  And often times those subdivisions, whether intentionally or not, will feel like cliques, will feel closed off to “outsiders.”  This goes for at any workplace, this goes for school groups, this goes for other vanilla groups, this goes for the kink scene as a whole, and this goes for smaller communities within the kink scene.

Hell, we can very much debate the topic (and it already HAS been, and will continue to be), but in my opinion, the Erotic Hypnosis community is a clique within the kink scene. For those that say “I’m not kinky, I just find erotic hypnosis and mind control hot,” I want you to realize, there are plenty of Spankos, spanking-enthusiasts, that feel the exact same way about making someone’s ass so bruised that it’s purplish-black: that they’re not a part of the “kink scene” really, they just find spanking hot. Labels get silly after a while is all I’m saying.  As this is not the point of this piece, I will leave this here, dangling, and I humbly request that if this gets discussed, it get its own independent thread of conversation.  Now then, back to the concept of “cliques,” and, in particular, those within the erotic hypnosis community…

NEEHU7: Phoenix Rising

During NELA’s winter Fetish Fair Fleamarket in 2016 (mid-February), MentalConfetti and I had bought, among other things, a lovely silk outfit (from Reyen Design Studios, btw) in various shades of yellow, orange, and red, meshing together: a top, a dress, and a wide veil/scarf of sorts.  I say this as on Saturday afternoon/evening, when kitchen work was all done (as Saturday’s dinner was specifically for volunteers and presenters, and was delivery food, so, ya know, not volunteer-handled), this is what my girl was wearing.  Actually, it was the first time she wore it (about 1 month after buying it).  There were a couple of joking comments thrown around of “Hmm… if I didn’t know any better, I’d say… you like fire?” (FYI: she taught a class titled "Flaming Hypnosis."  Take from that what you will.).

So that said, my girl had requested that, later in the evening when neither she nor I were in the middle of anything, if I could transform her into a phoenix.  Just a side note… I’m honestly wondering if I was the only one that did a “physical transformation” scene that didn’t involve pain IN the transformation throughout NEEHU7… not a problem with that, just surprise.  Anyway, a phoenix… yea, sure, I could see that.

NEEHU7: "I AM! ...Yours..."

So leading up to NEEHU7, I was in communication with my pet, Katrina.  She knew she’d do her damnedest to attend the second she knew the date, as NEEHU6 was amazing for her and there’d be most/all of her favorite people there.  As soon as MentalConfetti and I both promised she wouldn’t need to sacrifice more than a couple of hours, Katrina signed up for volunteering, and knew she’d be helping out to make peoples’ con time great (including other volunteers: more on that in a bit.  Katrina: good girl).  Then, days prior, she had worries of just how much of NEEHU7 she’d have to miss because of people that aren’t paid enough to give a shit about other people… regardless, and thankfully, she was able to arrive Friday evening, just in time to work on Friday meet n’ greet treats and allow everyone to get food they needed, including volunteers.  She gets in and texts me, “I’m here” she says.  So, of course, I rush out of the class I was in (just really there to review anyway), we get her checked in (a tad bit more complicated than expected: always make sure you get a confirmation e-mail on ticket payment, folks) and I tease her a touch… with touch… and after all her bags and coat are stowed away, “Service sub needs service!”  Well, just in time for Friday evening food work, do we have a job for you!

The Known, Trusted Name Dilemma

Big, known names.  Community leaders.  Presenters.  Respected names.  Trusted names.

I’d consider myself a trusted name that is semi-known.  Some people recognize my avatar quite quickly online, some have no clue who I am.  Some people meet me in person and go “Oh, YOU’RE AmHypnotic!” and some people meet me and treat me identically to everyone else around, “So are you new to the scene?” “*snicker snicker*.”  Those that know me, they trust me a good deal.  Enough that I am seriously curious, if I were to call someone “big” out on something serious (no one in mind as I write this, don’t read into that), how much of an impact there’d truly be in the erotic hypnosis community… or, in a lesser scale, the local kink community I’m part of.  Would there be waves?  Would there be a divide?  Would it be surprisingly overwhelming which side got popularity?  And yes, I do say “popularity” for good reason.

That mixture of responses to “do you know AmHypnotic?” suits me just fine, but I consider the actions I take to have a similar impact to that of someone with a big, known name (which is also, I imagine, why I’m trusted).

What do I mean by that?