No matter what you do, try to do, or try to avoid: every large enough community you will ever be a part of, whether you lead it, make it, or simply be in it without a strong role, will have subdivisions, a big enough social circle will have small social circles within it. And often times those subdivisions, whether intentionally or not, will feel like cliques, will feel closed off to “outsiders.” This goes for at any workplace, this goes for school groups, this goes for other vanilla groups, this goes for the kink scene as a whole, and this goes for smaller communities within the kink scene.
Hell, we can very much debate the topic (and it already HAS been, and will continue to be), but in my opinion, the Erotic Hypnosis community is a clique within the kink scene. For those that say “I’m not kinky, I just find erotic hypnosis and mind control hot,” I want you to realize, there are plenty of Spankos, spanking-enthusiasts, that feel the exact same way about making someone’s ass so bruised that it’s purplish-black: that they’re not a part of the “kink scene” really, they just find spanking hot. Labels get silly after a while is all I’m saying. As this is not the point of this piece, I will leave this here, dangling, and I humbly request that if this gets discussed, it get its own independent thread of conversation. Now then, back to the concept of “cliques,” and, in particular, those within the erotic hypnosis community…
Edit, 01/21/2018: this has been gradually getting better, and it's hard, looking back, to see how much of a "problem" this ever truly was. If you're not part of a group, and you look around, if you're open to seeing them, there's always at least a few other people you'll see who're on their own, or not part of a group. Be inclusive yourself, you don't need to seek out a group. I'll let this blog post continue as-is without further edit, for archival purposes and so you can see the change in my perception over the years... but be open to what's around you... and I will be, too.
There are various definitions of “clique,” and the definitions mainly vary in how intentional the feeling of exclusivity is.
“A small group of people who spend time together and who are not friendly to other people” (merriam-webster.com),
“A small, exclusive group of people” (Dictionary.com),
“A small group of people who spend time together and do not want other people to join the group” (dictionary.cambridge.org)
For the purposes of this piece, I’ll use the following definition: “a small group of people, with shared interests or other features in common, who spend time together and do not readily allow others to join them” (google.com).
Often times in the erotic hypnosis scene, it’s more a lack-of-inclusive, rather than an intentional exclusive, thus my choice. Again, these “cliques” are all still friendly to everyone else (within reason), although likely more closed off unless you get an individual’s…. personal intrigue. Friendly, but closed off, like that friend with walls that you feel like you need a strong drill and a good deal of invested time to get more than a bit of awkward small talk… and when you are that friend that is like that, well, all the “cliques” tend to feel closed off unless you hit it off or luck into being a good fit. My personally having grown up always being the guy with several acquaintances, the “everyone knows who I am” kinda guy… but incredibly few, decently close friends, well, I can tell ya: I see it and feel it, strongly.
Every. Single. EHU… they’ve gradually shifted. If you pay enough attention, you can predict their movement, their flow, to some degree. More on that in a bit.
Incredibly rarely, it’ll be active attempts to remain cloistered from outsiders of the subdivision, which is what a most other definitions of “clique” really lean toward: the “You have to be [this tall] to join us!” mentality. I haven’t personally seen ones of that type at this time.
More commonly, it’ll be passive, like if you don’t do _____ or ______, they just won’t tend to notice you’re not there, it just won’t matter to them, you’re not included, but if you’re there, then you won’t get turned away (not actively, anyway). If you’re good at picking up body language, however, you will likely see shifts toward not being sure about including you (feet and bodies being turned away from you, closed off expressions when you try to enter conversation, closing of a discussion circle).
With that passive type, sometimes, it’s more about a shared interest, and, while they all like you, if you don’t share that interest, well, you’re not really part of the group. Taking my opinion of Erotic Hypnosis within the overall kink scene, one might see the Erotic Hypnosis community as being this way toward non-hypno-fetishists within the kink scene, honestly.
Within the erotic hypnosis community, a few years ago, when enthusiastic Consent Culture really started affecting how rules of cons were written, if you paid attention, you could see a clique form based around an interest in consensual non-consent, as not only did they now have to negotiate heavily (which they already did if they did it right), but now they had to tell all the Dungeon Monitors, con staff, half the con attendance, big things posted to their bodies saying “My only safe word is ____” more intended for other attendees, have written permission slips from mommy, a signature from the bottom(s) in blood… yes, it’s hyperbole, but it’s hard to tell where the hyperbole actually started, isn’t it? So it’s understandable that a clique would form around this common, seemingly-small interest in Consensual Non-Consent (which I would argue, and have argued, is likely a bigger percent of the erotic hypnosis community than people would admit). This clique still exists, sorta, but it’s evolved in ways that I can’t properly describe… arguably swallowed up into other cliques due to how much overlap there was, or possibly people didn’t feel the requirement to group together as “the CNC clique with no name” was as big anymore… personal bet on the former. There are other such examples, like doll play enthusiasts and the like, but overall CNC was the most obvious example of this “it’s just us and we only want other us’s” due to an interest that came to mind.
Also with the passive type of “Well, you’re not excluded, but we won’t actively include” are cliques that are less based on a concept (i.e. CNC example above) and more based on people. That one person, often a Dominant (not always). This one is obvious, as the group will always be referred to as [Name]’s Group, that same [Name], never “Oh, that group of friends that includes so-and-so,” never “[Person A and Person B]’s Group,” but one specific person’s group, it’s theirs, end of story. It’s not a bad thing, it makes sense. When it starts to get irritating or problematic is when you have a friend within that group, but you’re not invited out, or never see that friend, or try to make plans but of course that group comes first, they’re more intimate in this manner or another, and there’s that voice in your head (figuratively speaking) that says “Well, if you request that [Name] hypnotize you, maybe you’ll be actively part of that group, because, after all, it’s [Name]’s Group” (FYI: that’s 99% of the time not the case, and not intended to be that way, but it can feel that way: don’t trance with someone just to feel included, do it because you want to).
That said: I’m not referring to polycules, poly families, etc., as “cliques” nor as “maybe I have to do XYZ with [Dominant A]” or similar… because of course they’ll be somewhat “exclusive” in certain ways. They’re not there for the fuck of it or just some mutual interest, there’s genuine love involved, among other details. All I’ll say to them is be aware of how they look: 100% “isolating yourself” or 100% “being in the polycule” sometimes looks like “intentionally pushing others away” 100% instead of the “I love this one person and want to hang on their shoulder and on their every word all day even when I can’t and oh god I actually can right now” that it’s likely intended as. You enjoy you, just be aware of you, too. This also gets to a weird place, though, because then you start getting into play partners, friends with benefits, etc., where do you draw the line as a polycule enjoying their rare time all together and intimate play partners in a similar boat? See also: Relying on labels get weird.
Personally, I’d argue the “CNC” clique mentioned earlier still sort of exists, but kinda got swallowed up into one or two cliques that fall more under this category, one or two peoples’ Groups that were noticed to actively enjoy CNC dynamics. Not everyone in those cliques loves CNC, but seeing who was grouping together for CNC reasons just happened to be people who gravitated toward these peoples’ groups. And, of course, as people who are “cults of personality” come into the community, they potentially may grow their own group without even realizing it, again, going toward the “what the cliques actually are change over time.” Note: someone having a huge polyamorous grouping, I still would not consider a “clique” like I’ve been describing above. I’ve seen whole webs of polyamorous fun that were super inclusive and actively avoided being remotely non-inclusive of your average person in the community. Hell, I’ve seen some groups intentionally make agreements to be split up more often than not to see people they don’t get to see as often, an intention to network and be inclusive more. (and bravo on that, or attempts, at least)
Hell, I post this as a blog/writing online… where one of the biggest cliques lately at some of the bigger get-togethers has been the bloggers. At MEEHU1, there was a bit of a clique based around HypBook. At MEEHU2, there was a bit of a clique based around SleepyChat. Tumblr’s regular posters have been getting a bit more cliquish, too. It’s not intentional. But unless certain things align, it’s a difficult, and not fun wall to attempt to push through, just to hang out with some friends sometimes.
The whole “clique” thing goes for every community that’s big enough to have them, and doesn’t only go for the Erotic Hypnosis community… but, as should be obvious, does include it, and I write this based on my experiences within said community (so translate into other communities as you see fit). This is something that’s been on my mind for a long, long damn time (yes, longer than the “Known, Trusted Name Dilemma”). Again, it’s not necessarily bad, if you’re aware of it.
A bit of an admission I’m not proud of: Part of what made me initially start thinking about this, years ago, was the paranoid, depressed feeling that some of my friends just… started ignoring me, or stopped considering me, or didn’t want to spend time with me, or just didn’t care that things happened (because they were happy). Do I know better logically? Yes, there’s a bit of a “you can’t fit EVERYTHING into a 2-3 day event,” along with “memories will fail” like tags or inclusions on a blog or post here and there. Logically, I know that, others know that, most of us know that. Emotionally, I have to remind myself of those kinds of things often enough and push myself into a head space to accept that. I consistently feel like I’m on the peripheral of basically every group, but not a part of a single one… with the exception of maybe being part of the kink organization The Society, but I notice that and make attempts otherwise… and that’s temporary anyway with plans to move for unrelated reasons. Acquaintances with all, friends with few, and being barely on the edge of awareness of where private things are happening only adds to that impression. Multiple cons in a row, several, there’s so many stories of those 10-15 people that went out to that awesome party I hadn’t heard about, doing that thing that I’d loved to have experienced, including those people that I never got a chance to say more than “It’s been so long, we have to get some time together this time around!” It feels a bit self-entitled (perhaps it is) that part of what made me start thinking about this: Personal depression. What made me write it: how could things be made happier, easier, and more inclusive for someone else, who doesn’t even have the acquaintances yet, but has similar emotional response to all this? There’s no way I am the only way that feels something of this, right? And… all I get when wondering about it is “inform” really.
Mind you, going to something like NEEHU, like MEEHU, like Charmed, like Deep Mind Dark Wood, etc., they’re all still worth attending if it’s reasonable for someone interested in erotic hypnosis to attend (i.e. if the money/scholarship opportunities and time and travel are reasonable for you). But yes, there are subdivisions, and yes, you will notice them. Damn fast. Most, if not every single one, of these cons has some general con gathering point, i.e. “the con suite” or similar. Near-everyone makes an appearance there at some point or another, some stick around forever and a day, come in for a couple minutes to say they were there and go to their private functions, some smell food and drift by and that’s about it. Many people, you will find, are tangentially-related to all or multiple of the cliques, and thus will be at the public things when the private things are more private than usual. A majority of these uncons’ have at least one or two staff members that are fully aware of the social circles around and individually choose to intentionally not get involved, in order to avoid having too much bias in any one direction (this is a personal choice, and not one dictated by anyone). What I’m saying is: even if you don’t get involved with any one of the existing “cliques,” you will have people talking with you, hanging out with you, making the con a fun time, and again: the people in said “cliques” aren’t actively excluding anyone (generally), they’re just not actively going around announcing their shit to everyone… so even the most quiet cliques have people that you’ll have a super-awesome time with, while they choose to be among the public group (and who knows: by just being nearby, you might end up being pulled into shenanigans, yay impromptu adventures!). It can be noticeable and possibly impact you, but it won’t prevent you from having fun, believe me, it’s just a different kind of fun that you’ll have.
For both the people in a grouping of some kind or don’t feel they are in one or more: Just… be aware of yourself, be aware of if that person that you consider a friend never seems to be around, be aware of that new person is on their own but choosing “not to bother anyone,” etc. Be aware if you’re going to end the dozenth con in a row saying to the same person or people “I wish we got more time to spend together.” You never know who that self-awareness will later impact.
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