So this will be about D/s and BDSM in general. This will not be specific to hypnosis play in any way, but like any tool or toy, hypnosis can be used in various ways, including in for D/s play, partnerships, and relationships, so it absolutely can apply.
So, fairly recently, there were some consent injuries happened to a submissive of a Dom/sub pair, and things got brought to public online arena through writings and comments (at first anonymously, but he, the Dom, admitted it was he the talk was about and things got, well, obviously less-anonymous). Things didn't exactly get talked about well, let's say. I'm not going to get into details of the situation, at all, nor am I going to get into the nuances involved... except for one, because it was a particular nuance that bothered the crap outta me.
You see, he had brought up early on that the main job/role of a Dominant (from his perspective) is to "push boundaries." Now, ask people what a Dominant is/does, you'll get a million different answers, and then they'll all argue about the semantics of what everyone else said being wrong (especially when it comes to the role the submissive has in the Dominant's power/control >.>). Generally, I'm accepting of all different meanings of what a Dominant is... but this one, this one bothered me, especially given the circumstances.
If you get into semantics, pushing boundaries can be negotiated in play that has no implications of D/s at all, but that does get into semantics, so I'll treat this as D/s specific for simplification purposes and admit it's an over-simplification.
That said, now, you see, I feel that it can be the role of a Dominant to push boundaries... but that isn't to be done blindly, nor haphazardly, nor just any set of boundaries. This particular situation included saying a phrase that explicitly said there'd be no stopping once things started (never negotiated such, and this strongly implies no safe word). Again, won't get into nuances of what happened here, but it was this Dominant's want to push boundaries that led to this decision/action.
Before pushing boundaries, negotiation of just what can and can't be pushed needs to happen.
Is that a hard limit, or a soft limit?
What about the soft limit is soft, what makes it a limit?
What do they need to be capable of enjoying and letting go within a scene?
Sometimes, just knowing those limits won't be touched is required to allow full capability to let go within a scene...
...and sometimes, knowing the Dominant can be trusted on what to push or what not to is what's required.
As a Dominant, hell, often as the Top in the scene (don't have to be Dominant to put someone in a compromised position!), you have control over the scene. You have control of the scene, of how it happens, and if it happens. More importantly, you are expected to have control over yourself. Get too ahead of yourself, lose track of yourself, and you lose control of yourself, and thus lose the control you had for the scene.
So, can a role of a Dominant be to push boundaries? Sure! Absolutely, it can be a role you take on! But, if you were to ask me what a Dominant is, or what the roles of a Dominant is, I would not include "pushing boundaries" within the top 10 aspects of a Dominant personally, because many times, many times, I find that being a Dominant requires knowing when not to push boundaries, or when to nudge gently instead of push, and being capable of patiently holding back.
So what is being a Dominant to me?
It's being a guide, leading, providing direction, guidance, and providing an influence that involves control to some degree.
That might be a general influence over decisions, or entirely owning various decisions of the submissive's.
That might be with a firm order, or training giddiness (or more) over the merest whisper of approval.
That might be instilling an instinctive reaction to the look (don't lie, we all have one).
That might be conditioning the reaction to particular tones and gestures.
But, but, it all comes down to guidance, leading, direction, influence, and control.
Note that this does not, at any point, assume 100% control.
Note that this does not, at any point, assume there are boundaries that would go away.
Note that this does not, at any point, assume what decisions will be up to the Dominant.
Some decisions will be untouchable by the Dominant. What are those decisions? Well, that depends on the relationship that Dominant has formed with that submissive, it is purely individual, and can change from one partnership to another, one pairing to another, one grouping to another, and even over time among the same exact people. The same Dominant can have entirely, entirely different decision-influencing allowances with one submissive or another. One submissive may hand over entirely different sets of decisions and to different capacities to different Dominants. To many, this is likely rudimentary, obvious... there will likely be someone at some point who reads this and has an "aha" moment, and that is fine. Always keep learning.
So, the second I hear something to the extent of "The main role of a Dominant is to push boundaries"? I cringe. I twitch. No, it's not. For all the reasons I mentioned above, it can't be the overall Dominant role every time. And if you assume it is, for all D/s relationships, or even for all of your D/s relationships while acting as Dominant... you're likely going to harm someone.
Obviously, if it's fully negotiated every time, then that can be a different story.
Obviously, if you, the Dominant, and they, the submissive, get together with full understanding that this is your perspective as a Dominant, then I suppose there's a chance.
Obviously, if you understand that some boundaries can never be pushed, and it's discussed in good faith, then you're already ahead of the game.
But if it is your assumption that the main, or even sole, role and responsibility of a Dominant is to push boundaries... you're going to eventually harm someone and you're likely going to eventually hit a wall of some kind. There will be boundaries you can't push, for example. There will be limits to how far boundaries can be pushed, as well. Nothing is infinite. Sure, you can be creative in many, many ways, and obviously things will change over time, i.e. boundaries will push back, new ones may form to push, etc... but things will be finite.
Also, recognize that, when boundaries are negotiated as being able to be pushed... do your best to know just how hard something can be pushed. Some boundaries can be slammed down harder than expected. Some boundaries get tapped and they'll freak out. Some boundaries have a million different ways to be pushed and what you think is a gentle nudge, they'll think is pushing really hard. You do your best to judge the situation and the person/people involved and their reactions. You do your best, and recognize that you can screw up (and you likely will screw up at some point), and that's okay, as long as it's unintentional, as long as you do your best, as long as you recognize and admit to it being a screw up at the time, and as long as you ensure you've done everything that they, the bottom, feel you need to do to help (because it's their perspective that matters when they're in a bad place).
See being the Dominant as the person in charge. I don't care how you word it, how politically correct you do or don't want it, Dominant takes control or Dominant is given control or whatever, I don't give a shit (others will argue to the ends of the Earth on the differences of definition between those two phrases, GOD will people argue to maintain some semblance of broken pride). The main, important detail of a Dominant's role is being in charge in the given relationship, and they have responsibilities to consider in light of that. And the main, important detail of anything relationship, sexual, sensual, kinky, etc., is that no matter what the people involved like... they're ALL human beings, ALL people at the beginning of the day, at the end of the day, and no matter how they wish to be treated, all throughout the middle of the day and all throughout the night. And don't let your own pride or some warped perspective trample over that fact at any time.
No comments:
Post a Comment