Okay, I was writing up some stuff as a comment to a writing on FetLife... and I realized that I kinda went off on a tangent for a long damn time... so instead of posting it as a comment that could derail extensively, here's my own writing. I'm intentionally not linking this to other writings/blogs, because it should be able to speak for itself. This is also not specific to hypnokink, but is to kink in general (I seem to be on a roll with that lately)...
Trigger warning regarding "personal responsibility." I do not intend to "victim blame" or the like here, though I can not promise wording won't feel that way at some points. I request that, if something feels like it's "victim blaming" here, that you read all the way through before making such a judgment. (Spoilers: a writing with a title mentioning "Personal Responsibility" talks about personal responsibility)
Everyone involved in a scene is a human being first, and my intention is to speak to the human factor, the human aspect, not the fantasy, but the reality.
Now addressing bottoms and subs reading this for the moment...
If you desire it and request it, then you can't bitch that you didn't request it. Yes, I'm specifically avoiding the phrase "asked for it," too many negative (rapey) connotations.However, I would say that you should always be able to "negotiate down," even mid-scene. You said "do something" and mid-scene you say you don't want it, it should be listened to and stopped / not done. But, be warned! Leaving your own decision up to mid-scene does have the risk of you potentially not being as communicative as you'd like, be it either due to being more spacey from a mid-scene headspace, or due to otherwise compromised headspace from being trapped in your own head if things aren't going right for you. Screaming "no" in your head but doing nothing in the physical world to indicate that "no" to your Top/Dom makes it super-difficult to act (or stop acting) on. Are there tells that this kind of thing is happening? Yes. But they will vary from person to person, and it can't be guaranteed that someone new to you will see yours.
Doms/Tops can't be held responsible for not reading your mind. They can be held responsible for not listening, or even for being forceful beyond reason. They can also be held responsible for not checking in, though that's more carelessness than dickishness. But, if it is literally a thing you asked for, and everything that is happening fits for the scene that was negotiated, it's difficult to notice you're having a real issue. Sure, there are often tells, but as stated, not everyone can read those tells. Especially if they're newer to you and your reactions. Learn where you can and can't communicate (you may not know such yourself... so start small and build up), and discuss with your Top/Dom so you can work together to mitigate such issues when you start getting closer to your limits intentionally.
You can be held responsible for a pattern of your own behavior, as well. If there is a pattern that every Top/Dom seems to violate you, abuse you, etc., then while it might be a possibility that you've gotten involved with a series of assholes, very possible... it's also possible that there's one common denominator in you. Or that everyone involved is at fault in various ways. One example? Horrible communication skills all around with everyone involved. It happens. It is not going to be my first assumption if 5+ of your otherwise unrelated play partners within 2 years have "violated you," however. It would take several for me not to believe you, however, but tons in a short time will feel like a betrayal of that trust.
That said, if a Top/Dom that is new to you is not willing to start small and build up when that's likely what you need... yes, they're an asshole, and should be held responsible for that while you do your best to get outta there. But if you know that, and jump on in anyway, then you're (figuratively) playing with fire, even if no one blames you for negative results. Take care of yourself before taking care of others, or you won't be able to take care of others, got it?
Now addressing Tops and Doms reading this for the rest of this...
Alright, yes, the bottom does have responsibility, and in treating them as human beings first, they do have the capability to just "walk out" if things are going wrong... assuming they're not bound, anyway... it doesn't mean they're emotionally able to do so.There's a great many reasons a bottom or sub will go against their own limits. Sacrifice to please you. Challenge to prove they can endure. Grit their teeth to get past it. To not disappoint. Competition against some unseen "other" ("other bottoms / previous bottoms handle this, so can I").
And that's when they have their wits about them! Adrenaline responses are actually "fight, flight, or freeze," most people don't realize that third one exists, but it does... and it's NOT obvious. Hell, many times someone has a freeze response, they themselves don't realize it until they TRY to do something DURING that response and notice "Umm, why am I not moving (the way I want to)?" That's very close to switching from "active participant" to "just being an observer," disassociating from the situation, it's not feeling like their body anymore that current events are happening to, they're just watching it happen. Then there's also things like flashing back to situations, mentally no longer being in the scene you're having with them, being trapped in their own head, and other such responses / phrasings of similar (but technically different) responses. This is why some people work out a physical form of "safe word," like holding a thing, because they might just be unable to in these kinds of situations... might not be able to. "Might" being the key word here.
The bottom and/or sub isn't the only one with responsibility here. Often times, it works out that intentionally, the only person with their wits about them by the end of the meat of the scene is the Top/Dom... which means you have higher level of responsibility. You accept that by agreeing to do a scene as a Top and/or Dom. Is it 100% responsibility? No, but it is your responsibility to see that they return to a good and/or safe headspace, within reason of what is within your control. Just because they asked for a thing doesn't mean they should get it haphazardly, you're not the wishing well, you're not a djinn or genie. Mindfuck and tease all you like (within reason), but in reality, someone should not have to "watch their words" with you. They ask for a thing, and you know it's horrible for them, you don't go "I'll do it because they asked."
There is responsibility you have to take on that is above and beyond what the bottom/sub have to take, and that is a responsibility to act within reason, and that is a responsibility to pay closer attention throughout. People have landmines everywhere in their own heads: you could trip over one without them even knowing it existed... if they shriek very uncharacteristically and switch suddenly from begging "dooo eeeeet" to "GOD NO!", you kinda have a responsibility to go "wtf, are you alright?" Will I blame you if you don't notice pupils dilating a fraction of a centimeter? No. Will I blame you for not bothering to check in? Probably, yes. Will I blame you for not checking in as often as you could have? Not if you're trying, no. Mistakes happen, I get it, lots of us get it, and you will make them. Don't pretend you won't, don't pretend you're above them, and do your best to be prepared for them (again, within reason... gotta love that phrase, "within reason").
You can be held responsible for a pattern of your own behavior, as well. If there is a pattern that several subs/bottoms you play with feel violated, feel like things went wrong, feel like things went in directions they didn't appreciate later, then it's possible that you got involved in several situations where people just didn't understand what they didn't actually want... or maybe you're a common denominator and you're reading situations very wrongly. Sometimes everyone involved is at fault in various ways. One example? Horrible communication skills by everyone involved. It happens. It is not going to be my first assumption if 5+ of your otherwise unrelated play partners within 2 years have felt violated by you, however.
So keep within reason. Don't know them or their reactions? Maybe you shouldn't jump to their soft limits. Don't know what they have difficulty with? Maybe there are waters you can test super-lightly after asking about such. Not feeling comfortable taking on a scene with them? You're the damn Top/Dom, you're allowed to goddamn say "No" too! Take some responsibility for yourself, don't jump to take responsibility for everyone that asks you to. Even if they do seem like they'll be sexy as fuck while things are going well, if you're unsure things will go remotely halfway safely or well, just say no. I promise you, you will not be less Domly for doing so.
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