Cross-posted with FetLife, and main discussion intended to be there.
Some time ago, on FetLife, I asked how various people define "Sensual" and "Sensual Domination." Like any label, I have my own definition, and others have their own definitions, which may or may not remotely match, or even intersect with, my own. That said, I was interested in expanding my own definition, as well as expanding my awareness of how other people may approach these terms. Knowing how others use these terms tells me what they may assume I mean all on their own, which can alter, or even taint, first impressions, as well as gives me an indication of what they may mean if I see them use such terms in their bio or fetish lists, which I'd consider with what I can otherwise read of them.
The response was no where near a proper "sample size," so all I'm taking from responses is just what perspectives can exist out there, not anything about how common they may be. Even knowing the perspectives that exist teaches a lot, and frankly, I didn't find any of them all that shocking, more one of those "didn't think about it until I heard it" kind of things.
What do I mean when I refer to being "sensual"?
Based around or focused on the senses, though I tend to use it when I am meaning a scene based more around touch and sensation than other senses. A particular detail, though, is that the focus is around sensation, not specifically about pain. Pain may be an aspect of the play, but it is not the focus. A scene with blindfold and noise-cancelling headphones, so all focus is on physical sensations, for example, may be a sensual scene. It can be playing with different sensations, it can be playing the person like a finely tuned instrument, or to the continue the analogy, may be tuning that instrument, with sensations. It can be gentle, soft, calm. It can be suspenseful. Maybe with BDSM aspects, maybe not. May or may not involve elements that would be considered "sexual."
Because it is often heavily involving touch, there's a literal closeness, and because it's focused on my partner's direct responses, there's a heavy focus on every bit of how they respond and react. There's an intimacy there, not saying "we're intimate," but that the situation has an air of intimacy and closeness to me. I do not consider "intimacy" to mean slow, calm, etc., though it can be. More about the contact and interaction.
Since I use the term in regard to scenes that (1) do not focus around fear, shock, intimidation, or pain, and (2) involve a heavy focus on touch, how I use it often implies "gentle" or "soft," even if that's not intended to be the case (though "gentle" and "soft" are not a bad thing, and "not focused on" does not mean "not included"). Sometimes it can be playing with expectations of sensation, switching suddenly from gentle to a brief glimpse of intensely primal, then right back to the gentle... that "wait, what?" response and the shift in response to sensation, when it's enjoyed on both sides, can be phenomenal.
So what about how I use the term "sensual domination"?
Domination or conditioning or reinforcement that is focused around the sensation. "Sensual" above carried into a D/s-specific context. A sensual dominant, by my definition, might be told by their partner that they play their body like a fiddle, or that they know or find all of their buttons, or "how is it so easy for you?!" That response may not be specific to sensuality, but it does tend to be there for a sensual dominant within how I'm defining the term.
What other meanings did I come across for when "sensual" is used?
Several different definitions OR implications, both (1) what they mean and (2) what they interpret when someone else says it (positive, negative, or neutral). And what others interpret or assume when they read the terms still has merit, as those interpretations came from somewhere, and they may affect how you or I are seen when we use such terms, so it's still quite valid as a takeaway here. Not everything I list here will be a definition, some things will simply be assumptions and implications for what may be involved when "sensual" is used as a descriptor, even without a full definition. These are how I interpret what others have said, not my personal descriptions. The list below has NO particular order:
- A focus on sensory experiences, of any/all senses.
- A code-word or implication of strongly desiring / expecting / requiring either sex or sexual acts be involved.
- If they actually mean this, and you assume sex will not be remotely involved, they may either be sad about or, intentionally or not, apply pressure and/or guilt when play does not get sexual or should they find out the other person did not desire/expect sexual acts.
- Including sexual energy, with or without sexual acts involved (interactions can have an "energy" or "feel" without such acts involved).
- A focus on pleasure and pleasurable sensations.
- Strong preference toward gentle, soft play, or ONLY gentle/soft.
- Description of type of touch, i.e. slow and very deliberate.
- "BDSM-Lite" - Some pain may be involved, impact may be slower or softer (soft, fuzzy, etc.). "Some spice in the bedroom."
- Focus on an experience where every sensation, and even subtle change of sensation, is significant and noticeable.
- More in-tune with the senses and a scene partner's responses to deliberate sensory inputs provided.
- Not framing play around intimidation, fear, humiliation, or other forms of discipline or sacrifice.
- A focus on the sensations experienced, from creating strong sensations/experiences to new sensations/experiences.
- Delivering a sensory experience without "damage" to the bottom.
- Pain may be involved, but likely not bruising, cutting, etc.
- Something more complex than just being about focus on sensations and the senses. "I lack proper words for it, sensual is the closest I have found that feels right."
- Something between or connecting primal and romantic aspects of a person.
And how does "Sensual Domination" play into all of this?
The responses and implications were less variable, maybe because there was less focus on this aspect of the question, but responses did still vary noticeably. Again, no particular order in the following list, all referring to implications of the above descriptions for "sensual" for how it worked with describing a type of "domination" (or "topping," to be more generic):
- Desire that a specific person in the scene take a noticeably leading role in the sensual play.
- Utilizing the sensual nature of play toward conditioning techniques.
- Just being on the D-side of a D/s dynamic and playing sensually.
- D-side being more of a focus on the mental aspect between the people involved.
- Intentional use of sensual-style play to lead the bottom partner into illiciting specific desired responses and reactions.
What could all of this mean?
A few things, actually.
First off, the significantly varying interpretations of the descriptor "sensual" from "being about sensations and senses involved" and "being a very empathic experience" to "just wants sex" and "BDSM-Lite" tells me that the descriptor, on its own, says absolutely jack all to people without specifying, that there is zero way to predict how someone will read your meaning without giving further context.
Secondly, that, despite saying "sensual domination," there is zero reason to, just from use of this term alone, to assume any interest in D/s whatsoever, as some used "sensual domination" in terms of D/s "Domination," and others used it in terms of how the term "Topping" is used in BDSM. It always means someone is providing an experience, just not anything about the connection or exchange of power between the people involved.
As an example, if your bio only indicates being interested in sensual domination (as a D-type), it can just as easily be interpretted as you being "heavily focus on every sensation and response and reaction"... or you "simply want sex, and feeling in charge is something you like." Consider what you do put out there, as well as what's missing from that picture.
Regarding the "Dom"/"Top" bit, just to be clear, when I (and many others) indicate a difference here, they generally mean:
- Topping is "delivering/providing the experience" i.e. the person holding a flogger, the person giving a spanking, the person providing a massage, the rigger doing the rope-tying, etc.
- Dominating is a mental aspect or connection, a dynamic between the people playing (whether long term or just the duration of the play), one person explicitly being in charge, or being given explicit power over the other.
- A Dominant can be a bottom at times, or a submissive, a Top. Consider: Who is the top vs. bottom when a massage is being given, based on the earlier definition, and can you tell who the Dom/sub is for such a scene? There are Dominants who are masochists, some submissives who are sadists. Serving as a trusted Top can be a submissive act. Shades of gray and all that, thus the differentiation in terms.
So the terms overall have incredibly wide variety in what they can mean to someone, as I initially expected, but that variety is even wider than I'd anticipated, and can even be a yellow or red flag to some, for various reasons, depending on what they're interested in... or more specifically, not interested in.
My main takeaway? Frankly, an extension of a previous writing, Labels Are Awesome and They Suck: These terms are useless on their own without additional context, but could say way different things than intended... so be careful how you use these terms, unless you're providing context right away. And if you're reading/hearing someone else using the term, or using such descriptors for a scene they're interested in... ask them what they mean. Avoid vague language, get clear communication. "What's [term] mean to you?"
Always have a real discussion with someone about vague terms like this, but when you use terms like this, be aware that you may need to make that discussion happen, drive it, as they might walk in with an assumption, not knowing there are other potential implications than what they assume.
So how about you?
Have a different perspective on the terms that's not mentioned here?
Come to a realization about these terms (now or previously) you'd like to share?
Have other particular or generic terms that people seem to use commonly that you have similar curiosity and/or confusion about?
Then comment! Just, as always, keep it respectful. You can comment here or on FetLife, though I plan main discussion to be on FetLife.
