“Why Not Just Hypnotize Them to Do It?”

Cross-posted at FetLife at https://fetlife.com/users/79448/posts/5485995

So this is something I’d thought about for a while… in fact, I’d wrote a bit about the topic already, multiple times, bit-by-bit, but I hadn’t been quite satisfied enough with the writing to post at the time.   So, I left it be each time.

Then, months later, I get home from an erotic hypnosis conference, and it hits me like a ton of bricks: for 4 days, I was surrounded by anywhere from 100 to 350 people (not hyperbole), and I had had many conversations of all kinds… and there were a few things I never heard, which I then came home and heard at least once at at least every other general kink event I went to for over a month.  At least, meaning minimum.  It’s a harsh reminder that, while general kinksters get a lot of what I’m about, I still don’t feel fully comfortable getting into what I enjoy among a general kink audience, because of awkwardness, or shame, or worry, or, best case scenario, frustration.

You see, moving through the general kink scene as a hypnofetishist can be… interesting.  It’s not the most commonly discussed fetish, at least not as a fetish or kink, so I’ve seen even a kink veteran’s eyes light up with that look of “I just got a fresh new toy” and another’s go to strong concern and questioning.

I just f’ing love the “New awesome thing!” look, that feeling, that sentiment, it’s one of the multiple reasons I love to teach hypnosis topics (in addition to the whole “Come into the flock!  One of us! One of us!” thing).

That said, however, people often can be uninformed and say things without thinking anything of it… or, sometimes, they do think about it and make broad assumptions… and I recognize that sometimes broad assumptions may be made for very good reason, like only bad apple(s) as a frame of reference, and sometimes because they have no frame of reference at all.  And many times, I fall back on analogy and metaphor comparing to a “more common” kink that isn’t hypnosis, which you’ll see at various points in this writing, and encourage you to do so, as well.

Before I go any further, if any one person or group thinks I am speaking to them specifically… well, I’ve lost count of how many times and how many people, from all over, I’ve heard these and similar from over the course of a decade exploring the kink scene in-person (and about 1-2 years of mostly-online and private play before finding an entry point to the scene local to me by finding FetLife).  So, if any of these statements sound like you, no, I’m not targeting you or specifying you, but there is the possibility that I have thought on some of these things while talking with you.

“Why not just hypnotize them to do it?”

Alternatives include “you should hypnotize yourself to X” or “you should hypnotize them to X” as a way of saying to me that a friend or partner of mine or myself sucked at something in a “joking” way.

I feel this is likely the very most common sentiment shared, and when I’ve asked other hypnofetishists I’m friends with, I got a very similar impression from them, too.  This is the one comment that got me thinking about this topic originally, before other comments started came to mind.

So… to put a reason to why this bugs me, let me posit a question to the reader: “They don’t want to go with you?  Why not just tie them up and bring them with you anyway?”  Or, better yet, “They don’t consent to you doing [X]?  But can’t you just tie them up and do it to them anyway?”

Context can vary in how I hear this comment.  Sometimes, it’s as a simple joke.  Sometimes, it’s an honest question.  Unfortunately, it’s often in reference to doing something nonconsensually (i.e. a thing the subject wouldn’t want, can’t stand, or otherwise says no to explicitly), sooo… yea, whether they actually think I can or they’re playing off stereotypes doesn’t matter anymore to me, it’s a sentiment I want to, and will, nip in the bud.  It feeds into reasons people wouldn’t want to even look into this kink before even thinking about it, which in desiring to build a community and wanting to not be “the one hypnosis guy”?  Yeeeaaaa, not feelings I want to feed in people, personally, not without due cause or true concern.

And when it’s not an implied (or explicit) consent issue, it feels presumptive of what I do or why I do it.  Again using rope as an analogy, could you imagine telling a rope fetishist top (or being told as a rope fetishist top) to just quickly finish the tying up part so they could get to the fun part?  It has the same feeling, the same connotation: the purpose of the hypnosis is to get a thing done, not the experience, the feeling, the connection, or other of plentiful reasons one might have a fetish for hypnosis in and of itself.  When it’s said, it’s not considering why I do hypnosis, and only considering that hypnosis is something I’m capable of, and reduces it strictly to that, the capability, without considering why this has been a significant part of my life for many years.  This, to me, is barely a step away from just being a kink-dispenser object, doing a thing without care for why.

Finally, when hypnosis is used in a comment as a method to make fun of someone, such as to say they suck at X and challenging me to use hypnosis to fix the thing they suck at?  No.  I don’t use your kinks as butts of jokes, nor do I challenge your use of your kink, don’t do so with me.

So the concerns here summarize to: implied or explicit casual talk of being nonconsensual with my kink, and filtering me down to what I do without caring about the why, and seeing/treating my kink as a joke in itself.

“Why use hypnosis when they’ll just obediently do what I tell them?”

I’ve never gotten this one directly, but I have heard this a few times in presentations, at least once with the presenter looking right at me while saying this.

Why use hypnosis?  Well, just to name a few possible reasons…

• Because I’d hoped you were a touch more creative than that, i.e. fantasies, rewards, ways to tease, etc.  
• Because maybe they’d consider it hotter than you’d expect.  
• Because maybe it’ll help quiet their mind more while doing their task(s) than just ordering them.  
• Because you could find it hot as a kink in and of itself, with what you had them experience is just icing on the cake for you.  
• Because roleplaying mind control as close as one is capable can be fucking hot.  

This question is a very minor step away from “you’re not a good Dom if you need hypnosis to have them follow you.”  By the way, that’s one I’ve been told before directly.  Hypnokink appears to be slowly getting a better reputation in the general kink community over time, since I’ve not heard this one for a long time, which is a good sign.  But I can imagine most people who even remotely know me probably winced at that last quoted stabbing comment being a quote that I’d received multiple times earlier in my kink years, I don’t think I need to explain this one further.

Summary: Why?  Why not?  I find it hot and fun and think that someone consenting and showing interest probably would, too.  Which, speaking of consent…

“How do you do hypnosis consensually?”

Umm… by… getting their consent before starting?  How do you tie someone up consensually?  You know, a thing where someone can’t walk away in the middle of, if properly informed, but we in the kink scene accept without issue as “normal” (nothing against rope, just pointing out hypocrisy).

This is a frustrating one to me, because I am quoting many people here, this ain’t a one-off.
If I’m in a good mood or see it coming, I’ll generally do my best to politely discuss the topic (often starting with the question “how would someone tie someone up consensually?” like above).

If I was totally off-guard and am not in a place where I can steady myself emotionally quickly enough, though, I will look a person right in the face like they have 3 heads before asking how the hell they do anything consensually, and then ask how often they ask consent after doing the main act of a scene.

I mean, if you want to ask how one properly negotiates a hypnosis scene?  Hey, I can get that!  Or I can even get asking what you’d negotiate in the first place.  Someone can imagine anything, there’s a wide range that you have to slim down in some way, and you have to ask questions you’d often never even think of with anything else (“Ok, that’s where we’ve negotiated where I’m allowed to touch… now where are you willing to feel hallucinated, non-physical touch?”).  But yea, so many possibilities that one’s mind might blank out with no possibilities come to mind… Damn do I understand the “how do you even start negotiations for that?” type of question.

But that’s not what’s asked.

What’s asked is how one can do it consensually, which comes off as wondering if it can be consensual in the first place.  Now, often it’s asked with the assumption that you, personally, are not a shithead, but it comes with a presumption that it’s inherently nonconsensual, or, as I’ve heard it described by an ignorant online commenter before, “rapey.”  From frustration and annoyance, to worry and shame to even mention my kink, to general awkwardness in not knowing what’ll happen once the topic of hypnosis is brought up, do I really need to go into how this kind of comment is concerning to me?

Summary: You keep your kink scenes consensual by getting consent before starting.  I'm trying to avoid the word "duh" here, but, yea, that.

“You don’t seem like the type who’d do hypnosis…” 

Oh, and pray tell, what is that type / are those types?

Personally, I can’t say I’ve heard that one, but I put this in there for someone I’m friends with in the scene.  Presumably because I do seem like the type who would do hypnosis, for one reason or another.

I’m not challenging if there is or isn’t a stereotype nor how accurate it may or may not be.  I’m calling comments like this out so you have to actually explain, rather than just letting it slide by as a thing casually insulting to a community I belong to and support, insulting myself, or insulting my kink.

To sum this bit up: Throw in an presumption like what I look like I'd enjoy, and I'll ask about that presumption, just so you have to put effort into thinking about why it's your presumption.

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Conclusion

The takeaway I hope for is this: If you feel it's a comment that would be disrespectful of someone else or their kink if you were to substitute in another kink, then chances are that it's disrespectful to me and mine.

Aside from that, this post has mainly been about venting the frustration aspect out, and I’m there are other similar types of comments… but if any of these has been a joke or comment or question you’ve made in the past?  Well, I can’t speak for others in the erotic hypnosis community, but as for me: relax, I generally assume you meant no harm by it, so there’s no need to say anything in retrospect or worry about our friendship or any such thing. 

That said, I am hoping the awareness I am attempting to help provide at least slightly reduces the number of those kinds of comments that go around.  Like any comment that can be made or can be worded poorly without thinking at times, I don’t expect sudden changes, but I do hope it’ll make a difference. 

Anyone else in the erotic hypnosis community wish to share any other comments that you don’t feel I touched on here?  Feel free to mention them in a message, comment, or reblog, depending on where you read this. 

Thank you for reading.