The Known, Trusted Name Dilemma

Big, known names.  Community leaders.  Presenters.  Respected names.  Trusted names.

I’d consider myself a trusted name that is semi-known.  Some people recognize my avatar quite quickly online, some have no clue who I am.  Some people meet me in person and go “Oh, YOU’RE AmHypnotic!” and some people meet me and treat me identically to everyone else around, “So are you new to the scene?” “*snicker snicker*.”  Those that know me, they trust me a good deal.  Enough that I am seriously curious, if I were to call someone “big” out on something serious (no one in mind as I write this, don’t read into that), how much of an impact there’d truly be in the erotic hypnosis community… or, in a lesser scale, the local kink community I’m part of.  Would there be waves?  Would there be a divide?  Would it be surprisingly overwhelming which side got popularity?  And yes, I do say “popularity” for good reason.

That mixture of responses to “do you know AmHypnotic?” suits me just fine, but I consider the actions I take to have a similar impact to that of someone with a big, known name (which is also, I imagine, why I’m trusted).

What do I mean by that?

I’m painfully aware, if I fuck up, I do not know that it’ll be brought up to anyone.  Myself, an event organizer, a friend of theirs, a friend of mine, anyone.  After all, I know what I’m doing, right?  If something went wrong, it couldn’t have been my fault, so it must’ve been theirs, right?  Wrong.  But that wouldn’t stop a victim of anything, ranging from negligence to a consent violation to abuse, from feeling that way, thinking that way, that it’s their fault, that it’s not my fault, because I’m a good person that knows what I’m doing.

Which is worse, a known bad-apple (or someone who’s “being watched”) doing something bad to someone, or a trusted person, seen as a good person, fucking up?

The former?  It’s likely with intent, so in that regard it’s a good deal worse… but it’ll also likely be noticed sooner, someone’s likely to say something sooner, someone’s likely to go “*sigh* Not again…”  The victim will question themselves as much as any victim, so there likely will be certain amounts of “It’s my fault this happened” going on in their mind.  If it gets brought up, something may be done about it.  Then again, it’s likely done in private… so it may not be noticed that quickly because of a certain amount of isolation.

The latter?  It’s presumed unintentional (and if it’s intentional, god DAMN is that a nightmare to sort through for a victim), it gets the subject questioning themselves that much more (as mentioned above), if mentioned to someone else, someone’s likely to go “What?  That person?  You’re crazy!”  If it gets brought up… it’s questionable if anything would happen.

And that’s my fear as a known name, or a trusted name.  I watch my every step within a negotiation, within a scene, within the aftercare.  Because I know, if I fuck up, almost no one would “dare” call me on it, even if they should.  Not only that, that if they were to go around me, fearful of talking to me because “what if they did it intentionally” or “I don’t want to bother him, it’s my fault,” go to someone who happens to trust my name… would that someone argue in my defense… when if I’d heard, I’d just be like “Could you just take care of the damn subject, please?”

So I tell people, when I teach, when I present, and when I play, publicly or privately, if they have any concerns, if things feel like they’re going wrong, if they were fine throughout a whole scene but hindsight says “WHY THE FUCK DID I LET HIM DO THAT,” that they get outta there, that they call me on it.  That if their gut says to get the fuck outta there, even if it’s with me, that they get the fuck outta there.

That should take care of the problem, right?  I mean, after all, I’m empowering them to make their own decisions, I’m letting them know that I trust them, that I’ll listen, that I’ll back off immediately if they want me to, etc.  That’d handle it, right?

Logically yes, psychologically no.  After all, I’m increasing my trustworthiness, my good name, my reputation, what people know of me.  If I fuck up, or worse, if I were to do something bad with intent, and it’s brought up, that’s just one more piece of evidence that’d be brought against the subject.

I am completely, totally, fully, and perfectly aware: I.  Can’t.  Fuck.  Up.  If I do, it’s unlikely to be taken care of by anyone (or at least not for a good amount of time), and that’s my real fear.

I'd consider that a healthy fear to have, as long as it's not paralyzing and it makes you introspective.  I mean, maybe not to that magnitude, but some level of “People would make a he-said-she-said about something I hadn’t even heard about, fight in my defense, while if I HAD heard about it, I'd not fight and want them taken care of.  What concerns me, is that I’m not sure how many people share my fear on any level, have even thought about it.

I’ve lost count of how many times I’ve heard something to the effect of “Sometimes I forget I’m a big name” or “It always surprises me when someone puts my name on a list of large names” or “People take strong stock in my opinion?”  Yes.  Someone, somewhere, takes strong stock in your opinion, trusts your opinion and actions, considers you a good or great person.  Everyone should take that belief upon themselves, but especially the truly big names.

The point of this post?  More big names should consider this fear.  More big names, leaders, trusted names, respected names should realize this is a reality.

If they fuck up, how many said subjects would sit in a corner and come up with scenario upon scenario about how it’s not the big name’s fault, or how the subject themselves are to blame?
If they fuck up, how many overall (subject, victim, or other people in the community) would call them on it?
If they fuck up, how many would question the subject saying the big name fucked up?

I’m not even going into the what if’s of a respected name doing something truly intentionally bad here, but it’s also something to consider, and should not be taken lightly.
I’m not even going into modelling of “proper behavior” here, because there’s a good amount of questions surrounding “what is proper behavior” that is debatable and not to be conflated with this.
I’m intentionally only touching on the easiest questions to look into.  And yes, look at those questions, and if you think about it, and let that sink in: those are the easy questions.  This is the easiest topic of the “known, trusted name dilemma.”

If you are a big name, or know someone with a strong, respected name… please, take these thoughts into account, talk about these concepts, and help us to model a stronger and stronger community that cares about everyone IN said community.  These are discussions I wish I heard more people have, introspections I wish I knew more people considered, concerns I wish more people brought forward, and so I write this today.