A Discussion on Common Terms: "Sensual" and "Sensual Domination"

Cross-posted with FetLife, and main discussion intended to be there.

Some time ago, on FetLife, I asked how various people define "Sensual" and "Sensual Domination."  Like any label, I have my own definition, and others have their own definitions, which may or may not remotely match, or even intersect with, my own.  That said, I was interested in expanding my own definition, as well as expanding my awareness of how other people may approach these terms.  Knowing how others use these terms tells me what they may assume I mean all on their own, which can alter, or even taint, first impressions, as well as gives me an indication of what they may mean if I see them use such terms in their bio or fetish lists, which I'd consider with what I can otherwise read of them.  

The response was no where near a proper "sample size," so all I'm taking from responses is just what perspectives can exist out there, not anything about how common they may be.  Even knowing the perspectives that exist teaches a lot, and frankly, I didn't find any of them all that shocking, more one of those "didn't think about it until I heard it" kind of things.  

What do I mean when I refer to being "sensual"?  

Based around or focused on the senses, though I tend to use it when I am meaning a scene based more around touch and sensation than other senses.  A particular detail, though, is that the focus is around sensation, not specifically about pain.  Pain may be an aspect of the play, but it is not the focus.  A scene with blindfold and noise-cancelling headphones, so all focus is on physical sensations, for example, may be a sensual scene.  It can be playing with different sensations, it can be playing the person like a finely tuned instrument, or to the continue the analogy, may be tuning that instrument, with sensations.  It can be gentle, soft, calm.  It can be suspenseful.  Maybe with BDSM aspects, maybe not.  May or may not involve elements that would be considered "sexual."  

Because it is often heavily involving touch, there's a literal closeness, and because it's focused on my partner's direct responses, there's a heavy focus on every bit of how they respond and react.  There's an intimacy there, not saying "we're intimate," but that the situation has an air of intimacy and closeness to me.  I do not consider "intimacy" to mean slow, calm, etc., though it can be.  More about the contact and interaction.  

Since I use the term in regard to scenes that (1) do not focus around fear, shock, intimidation, or pain, and (2) involve a heavy focus on touch, how I use it often implies "gentle" or "soft," even if that's not intended to be the case (though "gentle" and "soft" are not a bad thing, and "not focused on" does not mean "not included").  Sometimes it can be playing with expectations of sensation, switching suddenly from gentle to a brief glimpse of intensely primal, then right back to the gentle... that "wait, what?" response and the shift in response to sensation, when it's enjoyed on both sides, can be phenomenal.  

So what about how I use the term "sensual domination"?  

Domination or conditioning or reinforcement that is focused around the sensation.  "Sensual" above carried into a D/s-specific context.  A sensual dominant, by my definition, might be told by their partner that they play their body like a fiddle, or that they know or find all of their buttons, or "how is it so easy for you?!"  That response may not be specific to sensuality, but it does tend to be there for a sensual dominant within how I'm defining the term.  

What other meanings did I come across for when "sensual" is used?  

Several different definitions OR implications, both (1) what they mean and (2) what they interpret when someone else says it (positive, negative, or neutral).  And what others interpret or assume when they read the terms still has merit, as those interpretations came from somewhere, and they may affect how you or I are seen when we use such terms, so it's still quite valid as a takeaway here.  Not everything I list here will be a definition, some things will simply be assumptions and implications for what may be involved when "sensual" is used as a descriptor, even without a full definition.  These are how I interpret what others have said, not my personal descriptions.  The list below has NO particular order:  

• A focus on sensory experiences, of any/all senses.  
• A code-word or implication of strongly desiring / expecting / requiring either sex or sexual acts be involved.  
• If they actually mean this, and you assume sex will not be remotely involved, they may either be sad about or, intentionally or not, apply pressure and/or guilt when play does not get sexual or should they find out the other person did not desire/expect sexual acts.  
• Including sexual energy, with or without sexual acts involved (interactions can have an "energy" or "feel" without such acts involved).  
• A focus on pleasure and pleasurable sensations.  
• Strong preference toward gentle, soft play, or ONLY gentle/soft.  
• Description of type of touch, i.e. slow and very deliberate.  
• "BDSM-Lite" - Some pain may be involved, impact may be slower or softer (soft, fuzzy, etc.).  "Some spice in the bedroom."  
• Focus on an experience where every sensation, and even subtle change of sensation, is significant and noticeable.  
• More in-tune with the senses and a scene partner's responses to deliberate sensory inputs provided.  
• Not framing play around intimidation, fear, humiliation, or other forms of discipline or sacrifice.  
• A focus on the sensations experienced, from creating strong sensations/experiences to new sensations/experiences.  
• Delivering a sensory experience without "damage" to the bottom.  
• Pain may be involved, but likely not bruising, cutting, etc.  
• Something more complex than just being about focus on sensations and the senses.  "I lack proper words for it, sensual is the closest I have found that feels right."  
• Something between or connecting primal and romantic aspects of a person.  

And how does "Sensual Domination" play into all of this?  

The responses and implications were less variable, maybe because there was less focus on this aspect of the question, but responses did still vary noticeably.  Again, no particular order in the following list, all referring to implications of the above descriptions for "sensual" for how it worked with describing a type of "domination" (or "topping," to be more generic):  

• Desire that a specific person in the scene take a noticeably leading role in the sensual play.  
• Utilizing the sensual nature of play toward conditioning techniques.  
• Just being on the D-side of a D/s dynamic and playing sensually.  
• D-side being more of a focus on the mental aspect between the people involved.  
• Intentional use of sensual-style play to lead the bottom partner into illiciting specific desired responses and reactions.  

What could all of this mean?  

A few things, actually.

First off, the significantly varying interpretations of the descriptor "sensual" from "being about sensations and senses involved" and "being a very empathic experience" to "just wants sex" and "BDSM-Lite" tells me that the descriptor, on its own, says absolutely jack all to people without specifying, that there is zero way to predict how someone will read your meaning without giving further context.  

Secondly, that, despite saying "sensual domination," there is zero reason to, just from use of this term alone, to assume any interest in D/s whatsoever, as some used "sensual domination" in terms of D/s "Domination," and others used it in terms of how the term "Topping" is used in BDSM.  It always means someone is providing an experience, just not anything about the connection or exchange of power between the people involved.

As an example, if your bio only indicates being interested in sensual domination (as a D-type), it can just as easily be interpretted as you being "heavily focus on every sensation and response and reaction"... or you "simply want sex, and feeling in charge is something you like."  Consider what you do put out there, as well as what's missing from that picture.  

Regarding the "Dom"/"Top" bit, just to be clear, when I (and many others) indicate a difference here, they generally mean:  

• Topping is "delivering/providing the experience" i.e. the person holding a flogger, the person giving a spanking, the person providing a massage, the rigger doing the rope-tying, etc.  
• Dominating is a mental aspect or connection, a dynamic between the people playing (whether long term or just the duration of the play), one person explicitly being in charge, or being given explicit power over the other.
• A Dominant can be a bottom at times, or a submissive, a Top.  Consider: Who is the top vs. bottom when a massage is being given, based on the earlier definition, and can you tell who the Dom/sub is for such a scene?  There are Dominants who are masochists, some submissives who are sadists.  Serving as a trusted Top can be a submissive act.  Shades of gray and all that, thus the differentiation in terms.  

So the terms overall have incredibly wide variety in what they can mean to someone, as I initially expected, but that variety is even wider than I'd anticipated, and can even be a yellow or red flag to some, for various reasons, depending on what they're interested in... or more specifically, not interested in.

My main takeaway?  Frankly, an extension of a previous writing, Labels Are Awesome and They Suck: These terms are useless on their own without additional context, but could say way different things than intended... so be careful how you use these terms, unless you're providing context right away.  And if you're reading/hearing someone else using the term, or using such descriptors for a scene they're interested in... ask them what they mean.  Avoid vague language, get clear communication.  "What's [term] mean to you?"  

Always have a real discussion with someone about vague terms like this, but when you use terms like this, be aware that you may need to make that discussion happen, drive it, as they might walk in with an assumption, not knowing there are other potential implications than what they assume.

So how about you?  

Have a different perspective on the terms that's not mentioned here? 
Come to a realization about these terms (now or previously) you'd like to share? 
Have other particular or generic terms that people seem to use commonly that you have similar curiosity and/or confusion about?  

Then comment!  Just, as always, keep it respectful.  You can comment here or on FetLife, though I plan main discussion to be on FetLife.

Name Droppings, Vouching, Vetting... Venting...

Cross-posted with FetLife for main location of comments and discussion.

It's been something I've wanted to talk about for a while now.  Now, this is not directly related to me, just more relevant to stories I've heard from friends, acquaintances, event organizers, etc. within the kink community.

Vetting, dropping a name of someone who "knows you," saying someone will vouch for you, what's it mean?  When is it valid?  When is it under false pretenses?  When is it meant genuinely, but something got miscommunicated?  And what's it look like to organizers, regardless?

Labels Are Awesome and They Suck

Cross-posted with FetLife, (although this one's a bit more visually-friendly this time around, in my opinion...)

When we first learn a term for something that we didn't know had its own word or its own phrase, when we first find out something has a label at all, it's awesome, amazing, "Wait, there's enough people that share my experience that there's a word for this thing?!"  As you read through the rest of this post, don't forget this, labels are powerful for those who need them.

When we're first getting to know each other, whether it be things that identify us, or turn ons, or limits, or just any general info about ourselves, labels are useful in directing conversation, in providing quick bullet points to touch on later.  Any label is a branch of conversation waiting to be tapped.

Labels are a great communication tool... but they are the beginning of a conversation, nothing more!  Many people make the mistake of assuming that they automatically understand someone because they know what they believe that label to mean.  People function well in categorizing things into boxes, and labels are what get put on those boxes, but it also prevents people from seeing the individuals in those boxes as individuals sometimes.

Revisiting an Old Writing, Part 2: Where "Bratty" Can Be Fun

Cross-posted to FetLife, if preferred for commentary, loves, etc.

Disclaimer: This is regarding what I can enjoy in brats, and this should not be considered universal nor 100% comprehensive by any stretch, same goes for the previous writing regarding what I dislike.

So in my last post, I had things to say regarding frustrations, anxieties, awkwardness, and discomfort with people who may get carried away with what they feel a brat is.  Now, about where brats are fun...

Revisiting an Old Writing - "I Dun Wanna!"

Cross-posted to FetLife, if preferred for commentary, loves, etc.

Several years ago, I wrote a post on FetLife titled "I Dun Wanna!" *sigh*, and my views on the topic have shifted to some degree, partly with my interests actually changing over time, partly with figuring out more about what I enjoyed even back then, and significantly in just seeing and learning more about the scene, the people, and interpersonal dynamics within it.

For those who cannot see FetLife, I'll sum the original post up as my stating that I didn't like brats, why I didn't (effectively disliking "I dun wanna!" without reason aside from feeling like saying it or to get reactions), and that while I didn't care for brats, it's not a dislike of the person but the not wishing to partake in that form of dynamic and others can do what they like.  That is an incredibly gross overview, but hopefully that's as much as you'll need to follow along here, since it's so old that I will not be cross-posting it to here.

At an erotic hypnosis conference some time ago now (phew, probably over a year ago now), someone did a class on "bratting as a service" or similar, and they privately mentioned to me that the aforementioned writing was at least part of what inspired their class or some of the class material.  In hearing that, I realized I felt a bit off about that... uncomfortable... but I wasn't fully sure why.  I started reviewing the writing, and I started to write once more on how I felt on my current perspectives on the topic today.  After collecting the various scattered thoughts and putting some logic to the feelings, you get the writing that follows.  It took me a long time of off-and-on writing and sudden inspiration (and various bouts of brain going "I don't wanna" of course...), and I still can't promise it feels right.  But, you know, (1) when does anything one writes truly feel fully "right," and (2) I felt it worth posting something reviewing my past self to this level.  Also, "better" is the enemy of "done," and frankly, I feel this is worthwhile to put out there, both for myself and people who may feel similarly.

Hypnosis and Edge Play

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“Why Not Just Hypnotize Them to Do It?”

Cross-posted at FetLife at https://fetlife.com/users/79448/posts/5485995

So this is something I’d thought about for a while… in fact, I’d wrote a bit about the topic already, multiple times, bit-by-bit, but I hadn’t been quite satisfied enough with the writing to post at the time.   So, I left it be each time.

Then, months later, I get home from an erotic hypnosis conference, and it hits me like a ton of bricks: for 4 days, I was surrounded by anywhere from 100 to 350 people (not hyperbole), and I had had many conversations of all kinds… and there were a few things I never heard, which I then came home and heard at least once at at least every other general kink event I went to for over a month.  At least, meaning minimum.  It’s a harsh reminder that, while general kinksters get a lot of what I’m about, I still don’t feel fully comfortable getting into what I enjoy among a general kink audience, because of awkwardness, or shame, or worry, or, best case scenario, frustration.

You see, moving through the general kink scene as a hypnofetishist can be… interesting.  It’s not the most commonly discussed fetish, at least not as a fetish or kink, so I’ve seen even a kink veteran’s eyes light up with that look of “I just got a fresh new toy” and another’s go to strong concern and questioning.

I just f’ing love the “New awesome thing!” look, that feeling, that sentiment, it’s one of the multiple reasons I love to teach hypnosis topics (in addition to the whole “Come into the flock!  One of us! One of us!” thing).

That said, however, people often can be uninformed and say things without thinking anything of it… or, sometimes, they do think about it and make broad assumptions… and I recognize that sometimes broad assumptions may be made for very good reason, like only bad apple(s) as a frame of reference, and sometimes because they have no frame of reference at all.  And many times, I fall back on analogy and metaphor comparing to a “more common” kink that isn’t hypnosis, which you’ll see at various points in this writing, and encourage you to do so, as well.

Before I go any further, if any one person or group thinks I am speaking to them specifically… well, I’ve lost count of how many times and how many people, from all over, I’ve heard these and similar from over the course of a decade exploring the kink scene in-person (and about 1-2 years of mostly-online and private play before finding an entry point to the scene local to me by finding FetLife).  So, if any of these statements sound like you, no, I’m not targeting you or specifying you, but there is the possibility that I have thought on some of these things while talking with you.

Views on Volunteer-Driven Groups

X-posting with FetLife

Majority of kink-based groups, organizations, etc. are volunteer-based.  To make things happen, people volunteer to clean, volunteer to feed attendees, volunteer to setup or tear down, volunteer to register or check the door, volunteer to overlook play area(s) for spaces with such, etc.  These people are not Dominant or submissive or switches or vanilla or non-D/s kinksters... they're people who want to help in some way, either large or small.  If people did not volunteer, various fun things wouldn't be the same, or wouldn't happen at all.  And yes, I count literal leaders (board, concom, staff, organizers, etc.) as volunteer positions, most times, even when they get reduced attendance cost, or free attendance, to the stuff they organize.

Only One Kink?

So I was flirting with someone recently, fairly relentlessly and near-constantly for days straight, but at some point, their insecurities and such led to them telling me reasons they knew I wasn't interested in them.  I have things I can say on that single sentence premise alone (and might later, or elsewhere, depending on my mood), but this post is about one specific reason that they gave: I only have one kink, and she has a lot of kinks, and most of them she figured I wasn't interested in.  Now, with the exception of one, we didn't ever really touch on what that list of "a lot of kinks" were, but my "only one" kink is pretty obvious: hypnokink.  And that comment, in and of itself, bothered me almost instantly.

First of all, anyone who sees me as more than "person who does hypnosis" and gets to know me can tell that I have more kinks.  Maybe not more fetishes, if you're gonna be pedantic, but more kinks.  The main thing that bothered me is that, even in talking about what we were interested in, talking about how what each of us liked... all she thought about with me was just the fact that hypnosis would be included, and that's it.  Not about what I'd like, what I'd do with it, what I'd be interested in from her interests... just "hypnosis guy."  Don't get me wrong, I can work with being the local hypnokink expert and such, but I don't like being just "the hypnosis guy," you know?  There's a lot of facets to me, to how I play, to what it is that I do and want to do, and I'm not a fan of being filtered down to something so simple-sounding.

Even if I didn't have other interests myself, many kinks can be serviced by, met, or merged with hypnokink.  Power exchange, caregiving, bondage, various forms of roleplay, pet play, tickling, just to name a few varied ones (which, by the way, count among things I'm personally interested in to some degree... "only one kink"... ahem...).  And this bothered me partly because it's a common issue of mine: Some people are used to thinking "I'm not into that one kink, so I can't get anything out of it," without talking about it, because, well, that's the case for a variety of other kinks!  If you're not into bondage, you probably won't jump into bondage equipment or into being tied up.  If you're not into impact play, you probably won't immediately pick up a flogger or get up on a St. Andrews Cross to be whacked.  If you hate electrical play, you'll stay clear of violet wands.  Now, if you have a problem with someone getting into your head, or you fear what's there yourself, then I get avoiding hypnosis, fully understandable.  But for those who are simply not personally interested in hypnosis, it always mildly frustrates me that rather than asking "what would you do with that," some jump to "I'm not into that thing, so I'll be over here."  I get it, but it does frustrate me.  This person wasn't saying such, not saying they did... but the "only one kink" thing made me think of these frustrations.

The last of the things that bothered me about the "only one kink" sentiment?  Only one kink implies that one isn't good enough, or is not satisfactory for anyone, or that one's being graded by how many kinks one is into.  You can have a single kink and be quite amazing.  You can have none, that's fine!  You can have several, too, and there's no problem with that.  That said, having several doesn't mean you're great with any of them (just like having several years under your belt doesn't mean you're the best around).  That's not saying anything of chemistry between people and how one may not enjoy a particular kink or combination of kinks with anyone but someone they have strong chemistry with.

So this is a nice, long rant about how much it bothers me to see what I do or want to do as "only one kink."  Now this one person, I'm fairly certain, was just not thoughtful about her words, but these sentiments all exist out there for real, I've ran into them multiple times, and so I can't help but be bothered by them, or by someone being thoughtless about them.  Here's hoping that my rant, in addition to simply letting me vent, also helps someone be a bit less thoughtless in the future.

First (K)inklings from Early in the Journey...

A writing challenge was started among some friends on FetLife recently, and frankly, it inspired me to write, so here ya go.

Here's a link to the Writing Challenge, for reference.  And for those who aren't on FetLife, here's the meat of the writing challenge:

• I want to learn about how you first realised that you wanted something outside the norm, that you wanted more than just vanilla.
• How did you end up here?
• Are you brand new, or are you far into your journey?
• Have you managed to live out your kinks yet or are they still in the realm of fantasy?

(X-posting with my FetLife writings, with only minor edits in the intro)

So, I've written in general about how I've gotten started with erotic hypnosis before, sort of, but not in terms of overall kink journey, so I'll write here as though I haven't written about it before.

*takes a deep breath in to start*

So my realization of kink interests was later than a good deal of people I know, but I was still young adult at the time (I know some people discover this kinda thing in 40's and 50's, so just being fair here).  When I was a senior in college, my sleep cycle was all over the place and I was unable to get to sleep at a normal hour, and after seeing a random stage show hosted by my college, I decided to research self-hypnosis to try to fix that, I was curious about hypnosis intellectually.  I researched as best I could online, looked up e-books, seeing what had been written up in various places, not trusting any information unless I saw it 3 or more times.  I eventually was successful with helping get my sleep on track, mostly just by getting myself to a point where I was not just tired, but half-asleep, at a proper hour.

After I was successful with myself that way, I realized I could likely hypnotize others if I wished to... and my mind pretty much defaulted to erotic thoughts pretty quickly.  Best way I could articulate it is this: "If a hypnotist can make another more giggly and happy, or sad and teary-eyed... why not aroused, excited, etc.?  And if a hypnotist can make another itchy or tickled... why not erotic pleasure?" (both the "giggly/happy" and the "itchy sensations" and the "tickled sensations" being common stage show antics, for reference).  I knew I wanted something "kinky" at around that point, that I wanted something different... but all I knew was a single kink, and I was clueless on other kinks.
 There were multiple forums and groups for people interested in hypnosis erotically, and some groups had "databases" of people interested in doing hypnosis with others and in what context (erotically, just innocent fun, etc., and as hypnotist, subject, or either/or), which is how I got to practice initially.

Then one of the forums pointed out "CollarMe" (now CollarSpace... and it was almost as much a cesspool then as it is now... almost) had "hypnosis" listed as an fetish in its list.  I made a profile, and eventually met my first longer-term (long distance) D/s play partner.  I'd met others that enjoyed D/s before, but this was the first one I had chemistry with in terms of power exchange and showed me I enjoyed and could really get into the Dominant role.  I still had a shit ton to learn and figure out, but I figured out a lot about me with her.  I didn't "need" power exchange, but I very much enjoyed it (a significant difference between then and now, D/s is an important piece to me now).  I also met the first girl I'd end up playing with in person... we didn't have chemistry, but that meet up was partially how I ended up vetted to meet up with @MentalConfetti several years later, so that's a thing.  I wrote about that whole experience on Tumblr a while back, check it out here.

Eventually, another group pointed out this fairly new website, FetLife, and that an Erotic Hypnosis group had already been created there.  Heck, living in Connecticut, a "New England Hypnosis Group" was formed... damn right I was joining that, a local group, where meeting multiple people with this specific interest in person might actually happen?  Hell yes.  That group met several times at places/times I couldn't make it to... eventually meeting at the fairly local dungeon, The Society of CT (wrote about that experience here, also on Tumblr).  It was my first time actually seeing S&M and see other people doing their power exchange things... and man I felt like a bit of an outsider... but at the same time... it felt homey.  Eventually, I became a member there, observed a lot, discussed a lot, got a lot of diverse perspectives.

I've been part of or was there for some hypnokink groups forming, I've observed several start from a distance, as well as several conferences start from almost nothing into decent-sized cons for something I'd still consider at least semi-niche... I've watched some groups of all sorts, hypnokink or general kink, just die out and others evolve to something completely different from what they were, some for better, some for worse... Ten years is a lot of time for things to change.

I eventually met my girl @MentalConfetti during that time, and it's shocking looking back that we've actually been together for more than half of my time exploring kink, she's been a large part of my time in the scene at this point, and I know I've been a significant part of hers (since she didn't get a lot of opportunity to explore until we met, though I'd be interested in seeing her follow up on this writing challenge, too, *cough*).  Part of how I've gotten here is just exploring things with her and ensuring she knows I trust her perspective.

So, at this point, definitely pretty significantly into my kink journey, as should be obvious (TL;DR?), and I've definitely lived out my kinks in reality far more than some others ever do... and I've been at it long enough that, honestly, I have to actually figure out again what it is I want today, as it's different than it used to be.  I'm not done, though, and never intend to be, just time to rekindle myself in some manner.  Not expecting things to be significantly different, but that's part of the journey is keeping on the tracks, sometimes finding the tracks again, or getting off at one stop and getting onto the next train, you know?

Exploring My Style of Play

On Tumblr, @jonsmisu recently asked about where people get their ideas for hypnosis play, and in writing out my initial response, I realized I'd derail a good bit... so I revised my response, but what I was saying was still stuff I wanted to talk about... so here ya go!

A lot of people focus on what their hypnosis suggestions are gonna be, are they gonna tie the subject up, freeze them, give them pleasure, orgasms, orgasm denial, etc.  I... only touch on that, really.  I figure out the barebones on-the-spot or briefly beforehand in considering what I know of them and what we negotiated (ex. "Ok, no touching, ok with imaginary sensations in erotic areas, they love bondage, want to be dominated, sexual pleasure's fine but not a goal...") and figure out a short list of things I enjoy or would enjoy doing that tick those boxes for them.  Basic stuff, right?  I'd say yes, but never underestimate what'll give someone a revelation.  So yea, I touch on what the suggestions in general will be... but that's not my main focus, generally.

So, then, where is my focus, then, right?

That's Why...

So my girl, MentalConfetti, and I were resting in bed at night, about to go to sleep.  We both were on our sides, I was facing toward the back of her head.  We were chit chatting a bit, but it was slowing down as we were getting to the point of sleep, when she asks the following: "You know, it's times like this I wonder why we never put in a 'Sleep Mode: Activate' kind of-"

At this point, I place my hand on the side of her head and gently-but-assertively push her head into her pillow, wait a second of silence, and I comment, "That's why."

Several more seconds of silence later, I smirk and simply say, "Good night, my dear."
In a meek, soft, tranced out voice, I hear, "Good night, Master..."

A Discussion on Personal Responsibility in the Kink Scene, Negotiation, and Play

(X-posting with FetLife profile...)

Okay, I was writing up some stuff as a comment to a writing on FetLife... and I realized that I kinda went off on a tangent for a long damn time... so instead of posting it as a comment that could derail extensively, here's my own writing.  I'm intentionally not linking this to other writings/blogs, because it should be able to speak for itself.  This is also not specific to hypnokink, but is to kink in general (I seem to be on a roll with that lately)...

Trigger warning regarding "personal responsibility."  I do not intend to "victim blame" or the like here, though I can not promise wording won't feel that way at some points.  I request that, if something feels like it's "victim blaming" here, that you read all the way through before making such a judgment.  (Spoilers: a writing with a title mentioning "Personal Responsibility" talks about personal responsibility)

Everyone involved in a scene is a human being first, and my intention is to speak to the human factor, the human aspect, not the fantasy, but the reality.

On Dominance and Pushing Boundaries

So this will be about D/s and BDSM in general.  This will not be specific to hypnosis play in any way, but like any tool or toy, hypnosis can be used in various ways, including in for D/s play, partnerships, and relationships, so it absolutely can apply.

So, fairly recently, there were some consent injuries happened to a submissive of a Dom/sub pair, and things got brought to public online arena through writings and comments (at first anonymously, but he, the Dom, admitted it was he the talk was about and things got, well, obviously less-anonymous).  Things didn't exactly get talked about well, let's say.  I'm not going to get into details of the situation, at all, nor am I going to get into the nuances involved... except for one, because it was a particular nuance that bothered the crap outta me.

You see, he had brought up early on that the main job/role of a Dominant (from his perspective) is to "push boundaries."  Now, ask people what a Dominant is/does, you'll get a million different answers, and then they'll all argue about the semantics of what everyone else said being wrong (especially when it comes to the role the submissive has in the Dominant's power/control >.>).  Generally, I'm accepting of all different meanings of what a Dominant is... but this one, this one bothered me, especially given the circumstances.

Events, Social Circles, and Inclusivity

No matter what you do, try to do, or try to avoid: every large enough community you will ever be a part of, whether you lead it, make it, or simply be in it without a strong role, will have subdivisions, a big enough social circle will have small social circles within it.  And often times those subdivisions, whether intentionally or not, will feel like cliques, will feel closed off to “outsiders.”  This goes for at any workplace, this goes for school groups, this goes for other vanilla groups, this goes for the kink scene as a whole, and this goes for smaller communities within the kink scene.

Hell, we can very much debate the topic (and it already HAS been, and will continue to be), but in my opinion, the Erotic Hypnosis community is a clique within the kink scene. For those that say “I’m not kinky, I just find erotic hypnosis and mind control hot,” I want you to realize, there are plenty of Spankos, spanking-enthusiasts, that feel the exact same way about making someone’s ass so bruised that it’s purplish-black: that they’re not a part of the “kink scene” really, they just find spanking hot. Labels get silly after a while is all I’m saying.  As this is not the point of this piece, I will leave this here, dangling, and I humbly request that if this gets discussed, it get its own independent thread of conversation.  Now then, back to the concept of “cliques,” and, in particular, those within the erotic hypnosis community…

NEEHU7: Phoenix Rising

During NELA’s winter Fetish Fair Fleamarket in 2016 (mid-February), MentalConfetti and I had bought, among other things, a lovely silk outfit (from Reyen Design Studios, btw) in various shades of yellow, orange, and red, meshing together: a top, a dress, and a wide veil/scarf of sorts.  I say this as on Saturday afternoon/evening, when kitchen work was all done (as Saturday’s dinner was specifically for volunteers and presenters, and was delivery food, so, ya know, not volunteer-handled), this is what my girl was wearing.  Actually, it was the first time she wore it (about 1 month after buying it).  There were a couple of joking comments thrown around of “Hmm… if I didn’t know any better, I’d say… you like fire?” (FYI: she taught a class titled "Flaming Hypnosis."  Take from that what you will.).

So that said, my girl had requested that, later in the evening when neither she nor I were in the middle of anything, if I could transform her into a phoenix.  Just a side note… I’m honestly wondering if I was the only one that did a “physical transformation” scene that didn’t involve pain IN the transformation throughout NEEHU7… not a problem with that, just surprise.  Anyway, a phoenix… yea, sure, I could see that.

NEEHU7: "I AM! ...Yours..."

So leading up to NEEHU7, I was in communication with my pet, Katrina.  She knew she’d do her damnedest to attend the second she knew the date, as NEEHU6 was amazing for her and there’d be most/all of her favorite people there.  As soon as MentalConfetti and I both promised she wouldn’t need to sacrifice more than a couple of hours, Katrina signed up for volunteering, and knew she’d be helping out to make peoples’ con time great (including other volunteers: more on that in a bit.  Katrina: good girl).  Then, days prior, she had worries of just how much of NEEHU7 she’d have to miss because of people that aren’t paid enough to give a shit about other people… regardless, and thankfully, she was able to arrive Friday evening, just in time to work on Friday meet n’ greet treats and allow everyone to get food they needed, including volunteers.  She gets in and texts me, “I’m here” she says.  So, of course, I rush out of the class I was in (just really there to review anyway), we get her checked in (a tad bit more complicated than expected: always make sure you get a confirmation e-mail on ticket payment, folks) and I tease her a touch… with touch… and after all her bags and coat are stowed away, “Service sub needs service!”  Well, just in time for Friday evening food work, do we have a job for you!

The Known, Trusted Name Dilemma

Big, known names.  Community leaders.  Presenters.  Respected names.  Trusted names.

I’d consider myself a trusted name that is semi-known.  Some people recognize my avatar quite quickly online, some have no clue who I am.  Some people meet me in person and go “Oh, YOU’RE AmHypnotic!” and some people meet me and treat me identically to everyone else around, “So are you new to the scene?” “*snicker snicker*.”  Those that know me, they trust me a good deal.  Enough that I am seriously curious, if I were to call someone “big” out on something serious (no one in mind as I write this, don’t read into that), how much of an impact there’d truly be in the erotic hypnosis community… or, in a lesser scale, the local kink community I’m part of.  Would there be waves?  Would there be a divide?  Would it be surprisingly overwhelming which side got popularity?  And yes, I do say “popularity” for good reason.

That mixture of responses to “do you know AmHypnotic?” suits me just fine, but I consider the actions I take to have a similar impact to that of someone with a big, known name (which is also, I imagine, why I’m trusted).

What do I mean by that?

NEEHU6: Friday Daytime

This post is mostly about classes, thoughts, discussions, and concepts ran through.  If you want the hot stuff, you’ll see it in Friday night.  However, if thoughts, ideas, and discussions about kink are within your interest in this moment, continue for more of this post.

So this morning was a fairly normal morning.  We each got up, MentalConfetti, Katrina, and I, and we each got down to breakfast in the hotel cafeteria area in our own time.  I caught MentalConfetti in the last 15 minutes before she headed off to The Society to handle morning kitchen duties, and sat back for breakfast with DrHeadCrash, Fleur_, and panavatar, with Katrina eventually joining us.  Katrina agreed without hesitation to drive me to The Society, since Confetti and I came in the same car.  Btw, I like me a hotel that has a free continental breakfast that includes French toast and sausage patties and links… mmm…

Anyway, after a brief adventure of seeing how the GPS got us to The Society, I promised to show Katrina the more direct route next time (it’s approximately 0.7 miles and maybe 1 minute longer, so GPS no likey).  We got in at about 10am, just as the first classes were starting… and there was a line to the registration desk at the front (going up the hallway inside, not outside) about… hmm, at least 20 people long, I’d assume.  It wasn’t long at all before Mephki was running up and down the line telling us “Classes are starting!  Go ahead and go to classes, you can register later,” the part she didn’t include is that she recognized basically everyone in the line, and some of the people in the line were presenters for 10am classes, but meh.  The schedule had a ton of good classes, including the first classes of the morning, but I wasn’t in a “sit still in a class” mood, and apparently neither was Katrina, so we got our badge stuff and all the info we needed, along with a schedule for Friday.

NEEHU6: A Preface and Thursday

I’m going to preface all talk of NEEHU6 by mentioning that I was feeling pretty introverted and disinterested in crowds throughout the entire weekend, while still wanting to be around people.  I very much looked forward to NEEHU, to seeing so many rarely-seen familiar faces, online voices, and online personalities, both that I’ve met at former *EEHUs and the ones I only have known from online conversations and discussions.  But from the very first moment, I would’ve also been fine with sticking myself in a corner and just listening for about 50% - 75% of the entire event, as long as I got to see these awesome people.

I both wanted to be involved, help out, and not have to be involved, if that makes sense?